my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
