If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
