Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
