Sry I called you an 8
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
