Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
