I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
