my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
