Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
