Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
