i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
