awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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