Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
