My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
