You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I could fuck to npr.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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