I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
