theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
