Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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