Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
