Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
