FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
