Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
