College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
