Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
