I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
