Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
MIDGETS
????
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
