and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
