and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
