I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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