Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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