Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
