I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
