You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
