It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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