did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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