come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
