she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
