I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
