Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Randomize
