i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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