Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
