The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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