you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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