Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
