honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
