guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
