if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
