Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
