i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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