OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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