My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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