Need sex. Gaining weight.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
