i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
